People think that I've been super positive and faithful through the last 6 months of Life, but people are most of the time wrooooong, no offense. The past few months have kind of stunk. And if I was a swearing person, I probably wouldn't have used the word 'stunk'. Lots of times I've heard things like, "Things aren't great today, but they will be! This is what life is all about right? *fake smile*" come out of my mouth and then I've thought to myself, "Lying is a sin because who knows if it will be ok and why does this have to be what life is all about and why does it make me a 'negative' person to tell the truth and say that I feel like life stinks right now?" I'm pretty sure that Jesus asked that the cup be removed, not that He could have a little more, please.
Mostly, I just felt like today I should say something about the fact that it's human to have trials and that it's normal to not think it's fun. I've changed in ways that I don't super love since this whole thing happened. I used to be extroverted, lately I've been pretty reclusive, even with people I'm usually really close with. I used to love being in the center of things, lately I've been way less involved. I used to love celebrating everything I could, lately I've been more apathetic (except for on Whitney Houston day cuz I couldn't let that one pass me by). Those changes don't mean that I failed the test. In fact, I'm convinced that none of those changes are permanent anyway, they're just either those dumb coping mechanisms or the natural results of what's happening to my body.
It's healthy to have bad days, to wear sweatpants and bun-hair because you don't care today, to lay on the floor in the dark and listen to "Human" by Christina Perri twice. (Or whatever the equivalent of those are for you) I don't think that any of those things make you a negative person.
But I'm also not writing this just to say, "Everyone whose lives stink, let's complain!" Because I don't think that doing those things every day for the sake of grieving or whatever make life any easier. There are still good, happy things in your life. It's ok to recognize that. It's ok to smile or laugh when something makes you want to. For some reason, sometimes we feel like when we've labeled the day a bad one, it will be ALL bad. But it's ok for it not to be.
And when you've read through all of that stuff that I just tried to make sound all wise, read this: Jesus still loves you. He knows what's going on in your life. He knows it's hard. He did it already, but He doesn't tell you that to belittle your pain. He wants you to lean on Him when you can't find anything happy. Because what I've learned is that being positive doesn't necessarily mean :D It means trusting that the Lord's plans are not mine, but that He knows what they are. He knows how everything ends up, and even though right now it doesn't seem like what I want, He's molding me into the person I want to be. You can have a hard day and still know those things. But then when you're done being sad, it's ok to be done with your hard day for a little bit and let Him pick you up for a good one.
Just speaking from one human to another. <3
LOVIES,
Kelli
