People think that I've been super positive and faithful through the last 6 months of Life, but people are most of the time wrooooong, no offense. The past few months have kind of stunk. And if I was a swearing person, I probably wouldn't have used the word 'stunk'. Lots of times I've heard things like, "Things aren't great today, but they will be! This is what life is all about right? *fake smile*" come out of my mouth and then I've thought to myself, "Lying is a sin because who knows if it will be ok and why does this have to be what life is all about and why does it make me a 'negative' person to tell the truth and say that I feel like life stinks right now?" I'm pretty sure that Jesus asked that the cup be removed, not that He could have a little more, please.
Mostly, I just felt like today I should say something about the fact that it's human to have trials and that it's normal to not think it's fun. I've changed in ways that I don't super love since this whole thing happened. I used to be extroverted, lately I've been pretty reclusive, even with people I'm usually really close with. I used to love being in the center of things, lately I've been way less involved. I used to love celebrating everything I could, lately I've been more apathetic (except for on Whitney Houston day cuz I couldn't let that one pass me by). Those changes don't mean that I failed the test. In fact, I'm convinced that none of those changes are permanent anyway, they're just either those dumb coping mechanisms or the natural results of what's happening to my body.
It's healthy to have bad days, to wear sweatpants and bun-hair because you don't care today, to lay on the floor in the dark and listen to "Human" by Christina Perri twice. (Or whatever the equivalent of those are for you) I don't think that any of those things make you a negative person.
But I'm also not writing this just to say, "Everyone whose lives stink, let's complain!" Because I don't think that doing those things every day for the sake of grieving or whatever make life any easier. There are still good, happy things in your life. It's ok to recognize that. It's ok to smile or laugh when something makes you want to. For some reason, sometimes we feel like when we've labeled the day a bad one, it will be ALL bad. But it's ok for it not to be.
And when you've read through all of that stuff that I just tried to make sound all wise, read this: Jesus still loves you. He knows what's going on in your life. He knows it's hard. He did it already, but He doesn't tell you that to belittle your pain. He wants you to lean on Him when you can't find anything happy. Because what I've learned is that being positive doesn't necessarily mean :D It means trusting that the Lord's plans are not mine, but that He knows what they are. He knows how everything ends up, and even though right now it doesn't seem like what I want, He's molding me into the person I want to be. You can have a hard day and still know those things. But then when you're done being sad, it's ok to be done with your hard day for a little bit and let Him pick you up for a good one.
Just speaking from one human to another. <3
Sunday, January 1, 2017
-Coming home from a mission is kinda like being born again. So much hope and opportunity and excitement for New You. At least it can be. You choose.
-Being as open as I am with people about my thoughts and feelings makes me free. I love that people know the real me and I love that, because of it, I know the real me, too.
-Sometimes we get irritated with our bodies for giving us such a hard time, but they really are doing their best.
-Colonoscopies are the worst.
-It doesn't make you a negative person to be realistically upset about things in your life and most friends won't be put out if you need to vocalize it. In fact, a lot of friends are thrilled when you do because it shows your trust in them and that they're special.
-Heartbreak and marriage aren't the only two outcomes of dating. You can also make really great friends, learn some helpful lessons, and accept/understand incompatibility. Not wanting to be partners with someone for everything forever doesn't mean you hate them. Or that there's something wrong with them.
-Jesus Christ does search for His lost sheep, but He's not a dictator. You can't whine to the world that He left you behind if you're the one who walked away.
-You can fix things any time. Apologizing is worth it. Forgiving is worth it. Recognizing that you need to do both is sometimes the hardest, but doing both is totally worth it.
-You are never too busy or burdened to look outside yourself. Seriously, never.
-Doctors don't know everything. Doctors are pretttttty smart. Some doctors are just going to work, which is good. Some doctors are changing the world, which is better. Those last ones are the ones to look for even if it takes basically forever.
-I finally love me for my weakness because I know myself, I know Jesus and I know we can overcome that stinker.
-It might feel like your brain just isn't good at holding facts about other people, like their names or interests, but it is. You just have to kick out a few less important things to make room for them. Then you can do cool, personalized things for people which is FUN.
-Don't give up on the battles against Satan that seem less important to 'save energy for the bigger ones'. They're all big ones.
-You're doing really great! But don't stop there. Also, don't give up on yourself.
-Give people the benefit of the doubt, always. We always think we're 'all that' at this one, but we aren't so...GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
-Recognize that people love you and let them. Ask for help and don't feel guilty about it.
-Gaining a testimony of a commandment comes from living the commandment. Then you start to keep it because you know the blessings that come instead of just because someone told you to.
-Don't wait for people to introduce themselves to you. If you want to get to know someone, you should. Maybe they wanted to be your friend, but they were too scared to start.
-Own your hobbies.
-Practice getting over things, even if, at the beginning, it's just because it's too exhausting to not.
-Be the person you look up to.
-Cry your eyes out, baby.
-Say what needs to be said, in a kind, drama-free way that makes people like you, sometimes even subconsciously. (This one is tricky, but when it works, it's AWESOME.)
-Don't agree with what people say if you don't actually agree.
-Stop apologizing for things that make no sense, like, sharing a story about yourself or asking personal questions or something. Those things are what life is. Gosh.
-Be real so others can be real with you. Then, when drama comes up and problems need to be solved, you can talk things out because you know each other and that your relationship is stronger than all that.
*Disclaimer: Just because I'm telling you I learned these things doesn't mean I learned them learned them, but I am working on it. My goal is to not have the same list next year.